At the request of some attendees, I am here sharing my list of topics, including those that came up and those that did not. It is far from exhaustive, but a great entry point for any number of discussions. I may elaborate on some of them at a later point, but for now see it as just a brainstorming exercise for anyone (even monogamists -- only the last section doesn't apply to you) to consider during those early stages of a relationship between deciding to go out and deciding to take things seriously/long-term/whatever that looks like for you (indeed, this demarcation is one of the topics that follows).
Getting acquainted:
NRE: New Relationship Energy, the enthusiasm we experience when first connecting with someone new can affect our outlook, encourage blind-spots and poor decision-making. Avoid making huge life-changes, recall mistakes you've made in this state in the past, and check in with those whom you trust for an honest second opinion.
Frog DNA: When we're getting to know someone we like, it's easy to fill in the gaps of what we know with what we assume or hope to be true (including assuming expertise on their part, similar goals, etc.). Beware that this happens and don't be resistant to conflicting data: just ask for clarification.
Beware of trying too hard. You and/or your new partner may let the enthusiasm outpace the potential if you move to fast and fail to appreciate the discovery process.
Pay attention to how the other person treats other people, especially exes and strangers. If every ex is evil, guess what you will probably be one day? If every stranger is a potential threat, guess how your loved ones might be perceived?
Nothing avoids heartache like choosing well in the first place. Examine your past choices and commit to making new mistakes.
Communication:
Define terms! The more commonly a word is used, the easier it is to presume and then misunderstand the ways others use it. At a minimum, go over girlfriend/boyfriend, romantic, platonic, love, "in love", sex, partner, lover, open, closed, and "more than sex" as these words come up.
Don't be afraid to create your own terminology personal to you and/or your relationship (but be clear on which is which; don't tell every partner s/he's your only "Honey"!).
Learn the difference between jealousy (the feeling that something is being taken or kept from you by others) and envy (the desire to share in something without denying it to others), learn how they feel different for you, and learn how to communicate them clearly.
Disagreements will happen! Miscommunications will happen! Landmines will happen! Messy, open communication is always better than no communication at all.
Try not to assume malice without clear evidence. Then, present the evidence to the other person and explain how you interpret it as malice.
A rule can be a temporary substitute for a conversation you're not yet capable of having.
One of tricks to a long-term relationship is fighting well; if you grew up in a loud household where yelling meant you cared, you probably shouldn't get too serious with someone who thinks a raised voice is tantamount to violence, and vice versa. If you think these examples are too extreme, you should probably look for someone who feels (and acts) the same way.
To really open up communication, say the scary shit in your head.
Defining the relationship:
In this relationship, do you want to be an option or an obligation?
"Expectations" can be a four-letter word. Work hard to recognize and acknowledge your assumptions, no matter how obvious they seem to you. Discuss them with your partner until any disagreements are resolved, so they become "agreements". If something does not feel absolutely resolved for all parties involved, it's probably best to stay away from it.
Flexibility vs. rigidity in agreements
Prioritization: what is the difference between significant and important, and which do you want to be (not just vis ? vis other relationships, but work, family, friends, community...)?
Safer sex practices: where do you start, where are you willing to go, when are you willing to go there? Are you comfortable with the practices of others in your network? If some practices do not meet your standards, is it a deal-breaker or can you compensate by limiting activities or extra testing? Changes should be negotiated before they become necessary, not during a moment of temptation.
Direction: this arrangement will/won't/can/must last forever!
- Just because you have expectations or agreements doesn't mean that's where you want to end up.
- Just because you know where you are doesn't mean you know where you're going.
- Just because you know where you want to go doesn't mean it's a straight path.
- Just because you seem to understand one another doesn't mean you agree.
- Just because you're headed one way doesn't mean your partner is headed in the same direction.
- Just because you know where you're headed doesn't mean you're there yet.
Relationship dynamics:
Sometimes, you will want different things. What is negotiable, what is not?
Be thoughtful before enthatching yourself, especially early in a relationship. Enthatchment is the logistical entanglement of a relationship, such as cohabitation, co-parenting, or running a business together. Enthatchment rarely ends at the exact same time as a relationship, so civil cooperation is important before entering such arrangements.
Be especially sensitive to when and how much partners are imprinted on kids in the early stages of a relationship. If it helps, check the PDA and introduce them socially rather than as someone you're dating while everyone takes the time to get to know one another.
Beware becoming enmeshed: when an emotional attachment begins to block out other aspects of one's life. (This is a common side-effect of NRE, though can become permanent.)
Fluid bonding: relaxing safer sex practices to reflect an agreement for long-term intimacy. What benchmarks need to happen first, emotionally and logistically (e.g., time, STI testing)?
Do your best to avoid fucking up, but don't be shocked when you do. Own it, then shut up and listen and don't expect things to go back the way they were right away.
When all else fails, slow down. Beware partners who ride the brake as well as those who ride the accelerator.
What defines "the next stage"?
Non-monogamous dynamics:
When/how to open a relationship? To what are you opening it?
Scheduling is a huge part of poly; be clear and consistent about the frequency with which you plan to see someone, then check back often to make sure it's the right amount.
Hierarchies happen and work for many people. Non-hierarchical pods happen and work for many people. Experiment, get creative, and see if it goes somewhere you like.
Whatever your role or approach, read the Secondaries' Bill of Rights. Check back any time you feel your role (as primary, secondary, or whatever) is not being honored.
Assume nothing about metamours. If you want to know something, ask them, don't count completely on your mutual hinge as the conduit of perfect communication. Don't fear them unnecessarily or ascribe changes to them without reason.
Dynamics will shift, intentionally or otherwise. Accept this fact and talk about it if you notice before it becomes a problem.
Avoid comparison; focus on building relationships that feel "in the moment".
Be crystal-fucking-clear about whether your relationship is open or closed, what that means for all partners, and under what circumstances it can be discussed again.
If you are averse to polysexual/polycarnal/swinging situations, consider polyfidelity: plural relationships outside of which no member is allowed to interact sexually. If you are polyfi, talk early and often about what is allowed while you get to know someone before they are brought into the polyfi network.
When you're exploring a new relationships, take time to rediscover ERE (Existing Relationship Energy, the enthusiasm you have when returning to a loved one you know well and take comfort with). The best way to prevent insecurity in an existing relationship is to reinforce what's secure about it in the first place.
Passive polyamory is totally possible: some people want and need openness more than they actually want or need people filling that openness at any given time.
Do you find deep, meaningful relationships to be challenging on a personal level? Do you find balancing multiple deep, meaningful relationships to be even more challenging? Then why the fuck would you want to pursue two brand new ones at the same time? Pace yourself...
The mono-detour: reverting to monogamy temporarily to work through a primary relationship is perfectly reasonable, but be clear about what you're working on and how long you're willing to take this detour. Then fucking work on it. Don't fall back on this every time someone fucks up; over-reliance on the mono-detour can become a false security blanket, weaken resolve, and scare away potential partners.
Beware anyone telling you what is "real poly" and what is not. Pretty much anything involving multiple honest relationships will fall under someone's definition of polyamory. Instead of wasting your time learning what others think is the One Twue Way, go develop your own model and find the partners who fit it.
Don't try to convert monogamists. It's a waste of time and heartache and looks bad on the rest of us. If someone is interested in polyamory, they should be willing to do some of the research on their own.
Polyamory is a relatively new thing and a lot of it is still being figured out for the first time. While there are no complete experts, there are most definitely newbies; date either at your own risk of disappointment.
Source: http://jslorentz.livejournal.com/64321.html
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